1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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