Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
