I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
