why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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