you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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