Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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