There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
