Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
