Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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