Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
