my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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