Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
