Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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