While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
is wine microwaveable?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
