We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
