you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Found your dick twin last night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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