You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I currently don't understand fingers.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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