I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
