my text book just quoted the cookie monster
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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