so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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