I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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