I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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