Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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