whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I love having hate sex.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
