y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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