worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
