meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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