So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
