I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
