I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
