whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
