my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
