i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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