According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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