you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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