plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
