i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
