batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
