Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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