We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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