I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
