No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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