What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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