Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
