According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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