I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
