He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
