I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
