I wish life had little blips of pornography
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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