why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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