so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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